September 28, 2003
You know what I don't understand? Religion. Why is it so important? Why do I simply HAVE to have one? Why can't my father just understand the fact that I don't believe in religion? I think it's because it scares him. I'm already so lost, religon's the "only thing" that can save me. I don't believe in god. I don't believe in what the rest of the world wants me to believe in. I'll believe what I want to believe and you do the same. If you're not comfortable with that, fine. With religion, I just feel like a label is being slapped on my head: this is what you are and this is what you're supposed to be forever. Don't ask questions. Don't doubt yor faith, even if it's fake. Just do it and make us happy. How can I believe in something that I don't think exists? What's wrong with just having faith in something and not a fucking religion? What's wrong with searching for what you want to practice? What's wrong in searching for something that is you, because you're forced to follow something you don't have a lot of belief in. Is it looked down on for me to go on my own and find what I WANT to find? Does that make me an even more horrible person? I don't want to follow the herd, but I'm forbidden from leaving it. What do I do? I'm stuck. Stuck with no choice, no voice, no opinion, no decision in my life. Everything's decided for me.
September 27, 2003
It's been a while eh? Not much has happened...I had my 15th birthday on the 24, and that was OK I guess. Don't feel any older. *shrugs* Siege opens in 12 days. I feel like I haven't done much, so I offered to take up the job of creating the slide show we play after the performances, and that's coming along nicely.
September 17, 2003
I'll start with Siege I guess. Today we voted and went with one cast. 22 days till we open. One cast will be better. Everyone was so willing to risk their roles for the good of this show. That made me happy. I wish that Megan and Billy were there to be a part in discussion. Oh well.
God I am just so...mellow and calm about everything right now. It's a really nice feeling. It's been a while, sheesh.
Weeeee. I love you. Wow this was a short and pointless entry...
September 13, 2003
Recipe For Life
5 oz hate
3 parts love
1 part hope
2 cups faith
1 pound sweet
1 pound coarse
3 parts salt
4 parts drugs
1 pound crack
5 cups blood
2 oz emotion
3 parts power
2 pounds razors
4 cups tears
A tbs. of hurt
1 oz gratitude
And last but not least, a half teaspoon of self-esteem
Boil the hate, add the love, mix the hope, stir in the faith. Sprinkle in the sweet, dump in your coarse, mix in the salt, now add your drugs. In a seperate bowl, sift the crack, combine with blood, add your emotion, and then the power. Mix in your razors, mix in your tears, then combine with the hurt, and finish with gratitude. Bake it in the oven for as long as needed. Serve on a fancy dish and let spoil. Serves 1.
Lauren, I'm sorry. I don't know why I keep fucking up our friendship. I'm just going to lay off for a while, because I don't know what else to do for you. I can't count how many times I've screwed this up for you and Jon. All I can say is that I am sorry, and everything was a misunderstanding, but I'm backing off now. I hope this is the last time this ever happens. I hate myself for messing it up a lot between you guys. I always seem to have a negative effect on your relationship with him. I needed to get that off of me. I hope you read this and just think about it. I don't want to give up our friendship without a fight, because I can't lose it. I just need to become a better person in a lot of ways. Maybe we can build something over again; refill this gap with a new brick. I can't believe I destroyed your happiness and trust in me.
If you're not Lauren, don't talk to me about this. This is something me and her need to resolve between the two of us.
September 12, 2003
Home. And wanting to be gone from this place already. Gaaaaaaah. Well, uh...I can't think of what to type. I'm drained of energy right now. o_0
