October 30, 2003

        2 days...hmmm...It's not so much the wedding I'm upset about, it's the leaving factor. Mentally and emotionally, I can't live when I'm gone, and there are rare cases when I also get physically sick. I know it's only for 4 days, but that's a really long time for me. Like, this is the 4th day this week for school, and it's been long. And this time, it won't be like the summer, where I'll be able to call my friends at noon tomorrow, and tomorrow is when I'll miss you all the most. Meh...*shrugs* I know I'll live, but it just makes me really sick. I've been feeling really nauseated these last 48 hours. Yeaaaaaagh...*retches*

October 25, 2003

      I've been taking such horrible care of myself lately. I feel run down and worn out and so tired and so sick. I'm glad I can stay home today. I know I'm missing out on some things, but I'm not sorry. My body is more important than being around people right now. I just need to get better. I don't know if I'm sick, but my throat hates me and I feel really beaten. I tried taking a nap today but that so did not work at all, so here I am.

It gets darker with every passing minute, and I've been listening to the same song for about an hour now. It's like getting a hug from Jack. It's so fucking pretty outside. I can't even describe my mood...I guess I'm happy. The sadness inside me sleeps, the darkness outside hugs me, and I feel somewhat better than yesterday.

October 24, 2003

      Holy god...my dad gets married in 8 FUCKING DAYS. Ahhh, god, what the FUCK...I keep having these spasms and panic attacks throughout the day. Thank god I'm going to Carly's tonight and I'll be able to get my mind off of this stuff for a while. Surprisingly, I'm not all that upset about missing Halloween, but...like, he's getting MARRIED...I can't type. I don't know what to say. My words feel dry in my mouth, and look withered on this screen, don't they? *sighs* It's so hard for me to deal with this, because I've never been thrown into this situation before, and my reaction is out of whack. I'm fuckin' out man. It kicked me in my face today this morning in English; I couldn't breathe, I couldn't...couldn't anything. At least it's a one time thing (I hope) and I won't have to go through this again.

I miss you Jack... :'(

October 15, 2003

      God life has been a pile of disappointments and disastrous events for me lately, huh? It all seems to go downhill when I have to be here...Anyways. This morning I had an appointment with my shrink. Wow that was kick ass. I know everyone's like "God shrinks fucking suck, they tell your parents everything, blah fucking blah..." Not all of them are like that. You really can't justify that because you haven't given them all a chance. Yeah some do suck, but most are there to do their god damn job people; LISTEN. Listen and help you overcome the bullshit in your life. Mine is pretty amazing, all she did was listen to me rant and rage and bitch and moan today, and didn't once tell me that I was wrong or that I was being unfair or whatever. I never really understood the importance of an adult role model until, like, now or whatever.

I realized something. I DON'T have a best friend. Yes, I have plenty of friends who are there for me throughout the various faults and shortcomings of my gloriously hellish teenage life, but I realized that none of them are my best friends. I can name a few who I'm incredibly close with...But I mean, I left all my old friends -including my true best friend- and it's extremely hard to gain that back. Maybe that's the little empty space inside of me. The lack of a true best friend, who will bend their backs for you no matter what; and you better damn well do the same for them. I'm not trying to get preachy...I just miss having that backbone of support I can lean on when too many people are leaning on me.

October 13, 2003

      Ever listened to a certain song and a bunch of memories just came back and attacked you? Like, an hour ago, I was listening to Cemetary by Silverchair and I remembered the nights when Jack was gone on vacation where I'd sit and stare outside and just binge of everything in the kitchen and read Harry Potter and Heavier Than Heaven. I used to sit on the ledge outside my window and listen to the night time wonders as the breeze would blow and tears would fall silently out of my eyes. I'd listen to this song ALL the time during that period, and now it's like...just this kick in the face I guess. Not that I'm like depressed or anything now. Contemplative is the word. Yeah...

October 11, 2003

      It's been a while, huh? Well, let's see...On Thursday, Siege opened. On Thursday, Seth Bartell died (the 2nd victim at Rocori) and was pronounced dead at 7:00 PM...which is when we opened. Creepy huh? It's interesting to see how these things just fall into their own kooky places. I feel like I've lost another someone I love. I mean, when these things hit so close to home, it's like losing someone you love, even though you may have not met them at all in your life. I never used to understand the impact of the words "gunshot wound to the head" and now, I start shaking when I hear those words. Why do people tormet one another and cause these things to happen? I mean, I know kids who go to school who are afraid to come because they get picked on. Fuck, even my own brother gets picked on, and I pray he doesn't go to that point. I know he's considered it, because he used to talk about it....IN 4TH GRADE. WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCKS WOULD DRIVE SOMEONE TO THAT POINT OF ABSOLUTE PAIN AND ANGER. It's not fair to make them suffer and drive them to the point of wanting to bring a gun to school and murder those who've bullied them and pushed them that far. If you do that, you set yourself up for your own death/injury, and it really is your fucking fault and you DESERVE to die. You do. You really do.

Blah. Life sucks. No, I am not just saying that because I'm a teenager and it's "normal teenage anger and bullshit." It really, truly, does suck. Some of my friends aren't my friends, my dad is getting remarried in about 2 and a half weeks, my play closes tonight (what. the. hell...), and I've broken down out of sheer exhaustion already. For the last few weeks, I have been bending over backwards for people who aren't worth it. I am ashamed to be part of the human race, to be in actual race of humans who have nothing better to do than sit and think about power and greed and domination and actually RACE one another for these stupid things. Hey, let's all dominate one another because we don't have anything important to fix like poverty and world hunger and such. Let's worry about which celebrities are breaking up, let's worry about this stupid war, let's worry about foreign people in this country, let's worry because we want this country to be 'clean' again, so let's ship everyone away who isn't 'clean.' Boy have I got some news for you; there is no such race as "American." You're a bunch of different nationalities. I'm Persian and French and Israeli and Egyptian and Irish and Norweigan and Polish and Czechoslovakian and English and Scottish...are you gonna ship me out of this country and plant me in a zoo because I have mixed blood? You're all so fucking stupid. None of us are clean. I guess that means we're all gonna go to a zoo and fuck it up again after a while.